I'm a walking paradox.

Hey my name is Pally. I'm vegetarian, bisexual, and sometimes I swear bipolar. I'm a klutz by nature, so don't follow in my footsteps. I trip over EVERYTHING. I'm in the end of my 7th grade year, and extremely sad because this year was great and I don't want to lose these amazing best friends I have. I'm 13. I'm Gemini, and believe strongly in astololgy and zodiac signs, and everything that has to do with that. I'm atheist; If there is a god, then why is this world so fucked up? I'm a bookworm, and completely blame for two best friends for that one. (-: Lol we're ALLLL bookworms. xD But reading .. it can really take you away from your problems, you know? MUSIC IS MY LIFE. I probably listen to my iPod 7 -8 hours a day. I play double-bass in my school orchestra (I'm in Chamber, the top orchestra next year! ^.^) and COMPLETELTY love it. I always express myself in music [lyrics], and just love blocking the world out and getting completely lost in wherever the song I'm listening to takes me. I like mainly rock music, but listen to A LOT of different things. I'm a pain to handle, or at least that's how I think of myself, but my friends stick around, though I don't know why. They're amazing, okay? My best friends are freaking amazing people. <3 Okay, well, that pretty much wraps me up. If you want to know something else, ASK! (Please do. My ask box is lonely )-: ) And .. welcome to my blog, I guess. This is just my place to vent, post whatever the fuck I feel at the moment of posting, so I don't care if you like it. I'm me, even if I sometimes don't want to be. So ... WELCOME! :D (Lol Pally, bipolar much? -.-)

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So … 1026 calories today. Ik that is way too little, but if I eat anything else, I’ll feel like crap for it tomorrow. My dinner was 210 calories. I’m just slowly starving myself. v.v

Mentally, I am fucked.

Physically, I am wasting away.

I feel weak and fragile all the time. |:

Fuck.

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MEANWHILE IN MY ASK BOX…

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Kr - I’m not even gonna say it anymore. Why can’t I just forget her? v.v

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Just…the best.

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Someone help me. ):

I can feel myself going down that road again. The road to anorexia. And it’s not so much that I want to be thinner (that is part of it though) as much as it’s my own personal form of self harm, now that I got over cutting. It’s true what they say: “An addiction never goes away; you just replace one with another.”

And I’m addicted to hurting myself. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m a freaking masochist. It all comes from all the self-hatred I have inside me. I’m a bitch. I deserve to die. Ha ha I bet lot of people would be happier and lead easier lives if I were gone. I’m just a burden; a pain to deal with. I feel horrible for my 3 best friends (how do I even have any?), because they always have to deal with me. But they choose to stick around, though I don’t understand why. They’re amazing okay? Freaking amazing, & I wouldn’t even be here, alive, if it weren’t for these 3 people. Well 2 more than the other but you know …

I’ve seen the pictures of all these ana people. Believe me, I DON’T want to look like them. But I still starve myself at night because if I go above 1400 calories in a day, I feel just horrible for it the next day. And I work out a ton every day so that’s why I’m so skinny and still losing. I know. I should probably be taking in about 3500 calories/day but I would just hate myself.

Also, I want to get better for Gabriel, my best friend, because he’s been there for me so much these past 2-3 months, and he’s shown he cares in so many different ways, and I really like/respect him, and I can see how concerned he is for me. I hate that. I don’t want to do anything against what he wants for me … And yes I know he only wants what’s best for me. It’s just hard, and I’m struggling on the edge of an eating disorder that I don’t want anything to do with.

But I can see how it’s affecting him … Gosh, he’s always hated it when I hurt myself. When I used to cut, and I told him/showed him the scars, he begged me for weeks to stop, said it was unhealthy, and helped me gradually overcome it. Now, when he said I look ana on Tuesday, he said “Please don’t become anorexic.” & he looked at me in the same concerned way that he looked at me when he asked me to stop cutting. And today, at lunch, the four of us (just who I usually sit with, my best - and only real - friends) were all kind of fooling around and arm wrestling each other (maturity level - awesome xD) and when I arm wrestled him, he wasn’t even trying … Like he was afraid to hurt me … And I thought “Do I really look that breakable? ):”

): It hurts me to hurt him but I just don’t like eating. And I still see myself as fat when I look in the mirror. IwanttotobebetterIwanttobebetterIwanttobebetter. For him … And everyone else that has shown concern for me. I just want to be sane, and see myself how they see me. But I can’t, because I’m mental, and I’m a fuck-up. Ugh whatever. I’m going to bed. The point is I don’t want to look like those ana people, but I hate food, and the way I look now. And I don’t want to worry my best friend in the world …

Just.

Someone.

Help.

Me.

Please.

)’:

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pusssymoneyyweedd:

Short people ♥

That’s my height! ;D

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Fuck. -.-

I have all A’s & one B in my classes. Because I have an 89.6 in Algebra. I’m 0.4 points away from an A. 0.4 FREAKING POINTS!!!!!! -______________- C’mon, man. I freaking hate myself.

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